Subject: Classic Jewish Humor

 

Classic Jewish Humor You may remember ( if you're  old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton  Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't  you miss their humor?  Not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are some  examples:

  There was a beautiful young  woman knocking on
my hotel room door all night! I finally had to  let her out.

   A car hit an elderly  Jewish man. The paramedic says,"Are you comfortable?" The man  says, "I make a good living."

   I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took
my mother-in-law to the airport..

   I've  been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill me !

   What are  three words a woman never wants to hear when
she's making love?  "Honey, I'm home!"

   Someone stole all my  credit cards, but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less  than my wife did.

   We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

   My wife and I  went back to the hotel where we
spent our wedding night, only  this time I stayed in the
 bathroom and cried.

   She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That
was  only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked
great  for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time
difference. I'm still confused.. When I go to dinner, I
feel  sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

    The doctor gave a man six months to live. The
man couldn't pay  his bill, so the doctor gave him
another six months.

    The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs.
Cohen,  your check came back." Mrs.. Cohen answered, "So did
my arthritis!"

     Doctor: "You'll live  to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
 
      A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's
chest. The man asks,  "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
answers "That's what puzzles  me!"

      Patient: "I have a ringing in my  ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

      A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge
says,  "You've been brought here for drinking." The
drunk says "Okay,  let's get started."

      ; A bum asked a  Jewish fellow, "Give me $10
till payday." The Jewish fellow  responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're  the one that's
working!"

     Why do Jewish  divorces cost so much? They're
worth it.

      Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want  to.

      I wish my brother would learn a  trade, so I
would know what kind of work he's out of.

 1.  The Harvard School of Medicine did a study
of why Jewish women  like Chinese food so much. The
study revealed that this is due to  the fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

  2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view  of
when life begins.  In Jewish  tradition, the fetus is not
considered viable until it graduates  from medical school.

 3. Q: Why don't  Jewish mothers drink?
     A: Alcohol interferes with  their suffering.

 4. Q: Have you seen  the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie?
     A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

 5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a  sentence.

 6. Q: What's a Jewish  American Princess's favorite
position?
     A: Facing Bloomingdales.

 7. A man  called his mother in Florida, "Mom,
how are you?" "Not too good,"  said the mother. "I've
been very weak." The son said, "Why are  you so weak?" She
said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The  son
said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"  The mother answered. "B ecause I didn't want my mouth
to  be filled with food if you should call."

 8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and  tells his
mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
"What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the
Jewish husband." The  mother scowls and says, "Go back and
tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

  9. Q: Where does a  Jewish husband hide money from his
wife?
      A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

 10. Q: How  many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb?
       A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I  don't
want to be a nuisance to anybody."

  11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

  12.  Did you hear about the bum who walked up
to a Jewish mother on  the street and said "Lady, I
haven't eaten in three days." "Force  yourself," she replied.

 13. Q: What's  the difference between a
Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
       A: Eventually, the  Rottweiler lets go.

  Give me a sense of  humor Lord, Give me the
ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out
of life, And to pass it on to other  folk