Subject:
Christmas Party
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October
01, 2003
RE:
Christmas Party
I'm
happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
make
only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry
Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October
02, 2003
RE:
In
no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy
now?
Happy
Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
October 03, 2003
RE:
Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only";
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget
about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a
little chintzy.
NO
GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:
All Employees
DATE:
October 04, 2003
RE:
What
a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy
month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party!
Seriously,
we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.
Gays
are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress;
no
cross-dressing allowed.
We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will
be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did
I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All
@#$%^&* Employees
DATE: October 05,
2003
RE: The
%#(*@# Party
Vegetarian
@#$%^&*'s, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your @#$%^&* salad bar, including organic
tomatoes.
But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I
hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive
drunk and die,
The
Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan
Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:
October 06, 2003
RE:
Patty Lewis and
I'm
sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Happy
Holidays!